The Adventures of Indiana Jade
by Lysberries
Summary: Famous archaeologist Jade Curtiss attempts to solve the mystery of an old, mysterious mansion. Warning: nonsense alert! Read the author's notes. I won't be held responsible for the loss of your brain cells upon reading this fic unprepared.


_The Adventures of Indiana Jade_

_(tentative title, thank you Kyosuke)_

**AUTHOR'S NOTES:** ... or rather, notes from ONE of the authors.

This rather silly piece of fiction was written by a group of various different people, in a ToA roleplay chat from sometime last year. Basically, we were playing as the cast members taking turns telling parts of a story. I can't remember who wrote which parts, but I can tell you that I only wrote about five or six paragraphs of this, personally. The writing styles are pretty distinct though, so you really can tell it wasn't the same person the whole time.

Anyway, please try not to take this too seriously! It was uploaded at the requests of a few friends who weren't involved in the roleplay... and I think it's probably best to keep it archived somewhere where we can read it whenever we want to, anyway. If anything, enjoy it for its silliness! It was a lot of fun to write.

**-**

Once upon a time, there was a crumbling, decadent castle high on a mountain above a small village. The place was the subject of many strange tales and legends the villagers told around their fireplaces at night... But these tales did not frighten the young Dawn Age archaeologist who came to investigate the castle. The young archeologist, whose name was Jade, desired to study this castle, and pressed the doorway open, walking through the portal.

The sound of bats filled the room, and the grand entryway was filled with cobwebs. Jade wrinkled his nose. If there really was a Vampire about, why didn't he clean up around the place? Indeed, it was a mess that would make Jade's old friend, Peony, shudder in terror. A strange, rank smell filled his senses. Was it blood? Yes... And the echoes of screams could still be heard if one listened closely. Was it a vampire that lived here? Or was there something even more devious...?

As if time had been playing out just like a common horror novel, the heavy doors slammed shut behind him just as those thoughts had finished leaving his head. Without so much as a glance backward, Jade continued down the entrance hallway, his scarlet cape trailing behind him. It would take more than that to frighten off the likes of him.

Jade didn't make a sound as he stole down the darkened hall. Just ahead was a doorway that seemed to lead to a large room. He paused for a moment, then when he was sure it was deserted, he quietly walked in. Not much could be seen, for only a dim light entered through the covered windows. But the horrible smell was stronger than ever.

Jade took a few more cautious steps into the room, when he suddenly bumped into a long dining table covered from one end to the other with a feast fit for a king. However, the food had long since rotted, and was now putrid and turning to mush. As Jade walked deeper into the room and looked at the dinner more closely, he saw that it wasn't just any food that had been placed there--every plate held a...dismembered...human body part.

Jade took a step backwards away from the table, his heart beginning to race involuntarially. So, there was indeeed something within this castle. Something malicious that he did not want to encounter. Turning stiffly, he began striding back through the dining hall... only to be stopped by a hand on his shoulder. He slowly turned.

"Well, well," said the girl with black pigtails and a veiled, malevolent smile standing behind him. "Did you come all this way just to see cute little me?"

Jade stiffened, "I am... here to study this place..."

"Study...?" Anise giggled, "Would you like to study my good Vampiric friend? Ion and I have been living here, feeding off the living for the past seventeen thousand years!"

"Though," she said, slyly. "I am a tad bit thirsty right now."

She leaned forward, baring her teeth in a seemingly sweet smile. Her eyes stared into his, as though trying to mesmerize him... And then... she lunged. Her fangs glistening with the blood of her victims, she draws ever closer. Right as she is about to strike, Jade narrowly dodges her assault, causing Anise to collide with the wall that was behind him.

Eyeing a narrow opening, Jade slipped into it, down a corridor. Walking down a dimly lit pathway, not sure where he is, or where he is going, he spots a faint light at the end... He draws ever closer... and emerges at the end, passing through a set of double doors that were conveniently left open. The moon shone through the dull-colored stained glass windows, giving the room a dim and eerie glow. The room he was in had clearly been some sort of cathedral at some point, though now it was dusty and unkept, and the air prominently smelled of blood and dying flesh.

A feminine chuckle erupted from the very back of the room; Jade, already jumpy from his first encounter with Anise, jolted slightly and turned his attention to the altar. A male (surprisingly) with green hair stood there, clad in a black robe that reached to the floor. "Greetings, traveler," he said, his back still turned. "Welcome to the remains of Daath."

'Daath?' Jade asked. 'That was a city centuries ago! You don't mean to tell me that it's here!?'

'Oh, but it is,' Ion answered with a small chuckle. 'It was a thriving city, up until Anise and I ravaged it and took the lives of all the citizens for our food. And now, unfortunately, you'll be the latest corpse to grace the hallowed stones of Daath. Prepare yourself, Jade.' And with that, Ion suddenly vanished in a cloud of black smoke, as evil laughter echoed throughout the room...

Even the pale light from the windows vanished as the room turned from dim to pitch black. The dark laughter of the vampire child bounded off every corner of the room, impossible to track down. Jade turned and tried to feel for the doors he entered through, but they weren't to be found, as if they had disappeared entirely. He cursed to himself and silently wished he had been a little kinder to his family and friends...

"Jade summoned his spear and began searching for another exit, silently wishing he had not laughed off the offer of one of the townspeople to douse the tip in garlic. As it was, he merely had a small Lorelei symbol on his person, though he doubted the charm would actually be of much protection against two very old, very dangerous vampires.

He found himself back in the dining room where he had first met Anise. Lighting flickered outside the long bay windows. Speeding up, Jade looked out to see if he could escape that way-- but saw only a sheer cliff over the ocean below.

He turned around. Anise apparated before him, giggling. "Oww, meanie!" she said to him. "That hurt!" She smiled innocently, but the look on her face quickly became an almost sadistic scowl. Soon, Ion appeared as well. They cornered him. He readied his spear, though he didn't know how effective that would be against the two undead.

Anise and Ion became shadows, and he heard the screams of the restless dead within them. He saw flashing red eyes in the darkness, glaring at him. And mingled within their cries, he heard cruel, wicked laughter. Jade stepped back, and he was against the window. Lightning crackled outside, rain drumming heavily on the panes.

"Being an archeologist certainly has its difficulties," he mumbled to himself.

The air was filled with the laughter of the two vampires, and Jade closed his eyes, focusing on the sound, rather than his sight... It was time to fight back. He thrust the spear out, and Anise gave a scream."You hurt me!" The girl cried out as Jade opened his eyes to see the lance stuck in her ethreal body. She had no qualms about walking out of it though, perfectly normal.

"It appears that this archeologist is much more than he appeared..." Ion began. He smiled brightly, "You know, I bet HE'D be rather interested in this man..."

Anise giggled as she rubbed the "wound" that wasn't really there, "The Vampire Lord'll definately want to have fun with him!"The two then grasped hands and raised them up, "Vampire Lord! We summon you!" Jade felt a rumbling as bits of the ceiling fell to the floor. Whoever this Vampire Lord was, he probably meant serious business...

The Vampire Lord's laughter resounded through the room. "KYAHAHAHAHA!"'

"That laughter... IT CAN'T BE!", Jade cried out. But the voice retorted, "Oh, but it is, dear Jade! KYAHAHAHA!"'

"Dist! Why are you here? Are you still pursuing that foolish dream of reviving Professor Gelda Nebilim?!", Jade asks, now furious.

"MY DREAM IS NOT FOOLISH!", Dist replies, possibly even more furious.

"Now, now, Dist, calm down. You know how your nose runs when you're excited...", Jade sarcastically says to the lavender-haired man, with a rose collar.

Ion, revealing himself, disappates, and reappears next to Dist. He asks, "My liege, do you know this man?"'

"Yes... I THOUGHT he was a friend, but... I was wrong! Now get him!", Dist angrily commands, directing his vampire minions to attack.

"Jade braced himself, watching as Anise and Ion approached him directly from both sides. He already knew that physically attacking them wouldn't work... how exactly was he going to defeat them? And why was Dist here?

Well, thinking about it wasn't going to help, obviously. He swung his spear from side to side, just barely deflecting their quick attacks. Dist, sensing that Jade was growing weary, suddenly commanded the two of them to stop with a wave of his hand. "You two, stand and bear witness... I shall make Jade my own personal victim"

Jade breathed deeply, watching through half lidded eyes as the familiar man approached him. There were no words to describe how badly he wanted out of there. But by now, he found himself barely strong enough to stand... Just as it seemed that Dist was about to land the final blow, Jade noticed that the room was becoming steadily darker... Was this an effect of whatever power Dist had?

No... there was something just outside, drawing closer to the window! With the last of his strength, Jade glanced backward at the window, just as whatever it was crashed right through the glass and landed directly in front of Jade.

A lone, but very large and round rappig, a cape tied around its neck, now stood heroically infront of Jade. Through the shattered window a loud battlecry was heard, and even more rappigs came crashing through the glass, one after another! The trio of undead didn't know what to make of the situation, but it soon became even worse as a masked man and woman made the same entrance and joined their animal companions...

Jade momentarially forgot the mortal danger he was in to stare at the newcomers. "...Peony...? Nephry? What on Auldrant are you doing here?"

"We heard you were stupid enough to come up to this castle alone, so we came to rescue you," Peony replied, as the ninja rappigs advanced upon Anise and Ion. The vampires hissed as they backed away.

"I did not think I would be in any danger, as vampires are not supposed to exist," Jade sad dryly, and slipped his hands into his pockets. "Though I would like to know why it is that they do, and why Dist is involved with them. I knew he was a little off-kilter but being undead is another matter entirely..."

Peony glanced over at Nephry, who simply stared back. Finally, Peony sighed. "Look, Jade, there's something we need to tell you..."

The storm thundered outside as Peony uttered the truth. "... We're not quite human, either."

Jade stared at them as they grew in size and became giant were-rappigs.

"And we eat vampires!" They lunged at the shadows, whom retreated swiftly. "Touche, eh, man," Peony chuckled to Jade. "You're pretty low in terms of a standard food chain, hereabouts."

"Eeek!" Dist cried, fleeing from the room. "Not the rappigs, not the rappigs!" A shadow extended out of his hand, twisting and morphing into a hovering chair. He leapt upon it. "I'm writing this in my revenge journal!" the vampire shrieked. "Just you see! I'll get you all!..." He burst through the roof, and stared down at them as the rain pelted through the hole.

The were-rappigs watched him get smaller and smaller, into the distance, when suddenly a bolt of lightning struck the figure. "AHHHHH!!"

Now, only Ion and Anise were left. The were-rappigs approached them ominously. Ion and Anise blinked at each other, and went back to fight against the people before them. However, the Rappigs and Were-Rappigs were too much to handle. As the Ninja Rappigs attacked the Vampires, Jade gave a gasp as Nephry placed a strange item in his hand.

"Jade, this is for you," His sister said, "It's the Garlic Totem. This will grant only a special man the ability to strike down Vampires. We've searched for that person, and all the time, he was under our nose... Jade, you are the only man who can activate the Garlic Totem and destroy Anise and Ion! You must do this and save Daath from being haunted forever!"

Jade blinked at Nephry, and placed it in his pocket, bringing up his lance, "Got it!" As Nephry and Peony fought against the Vampires, Jade called upon the power of the Garlic Totem. He suddenly felt a surge of Garlic enter him! Even his breath smelled of the stuff! And now... he was ready to fight...

Jade readied his spear. Nephry and Peony had cornered the vampires. Jade charged forth, the power of the Garlic Totem emanating from his spear. He thrust it right into Anise's heart, piercing through, and stabbing Ion. "You...meanie. That... hurt...Ion...ugh.", Anise cried out with her last breath. Her blood splattered the walls. "ANISE!...No...Anise... I'm sorry..." He too then collapsed.

Nephry and Peony reverted to their original selves. Anise was dead. Light shone through the dark, clouded skies, for the first time in over 15,000 years.

Meanwhile, far off in the outskirts of Mt. Roneal, a hand reached up out of the snow, underneath a snow-covered chair...

The end?

-

(alternate ending of lulz?)

Back at the castle, Peony and Nephry stare into each others' eyes, longingly. Peony leans closer to her, ready to kiss her.

"OVER MY DEAD BODY, PEONY!" Jade shouts. He grabs Peony and tosses him to the other side of the room.

THE END.


End file.
